….. 3 Years Later, I’m Still Here, and Your Still Gone…….

This is a picture of me and your first born on November 8, 1994, you took this pic as I held him and just marveled over something so perfect, that you made.

January 4, 2011. You left us, Your boys, your parents, your siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, friends, co-workers, your job, the programs that you helped create to further education in your sons school. I wont list your boyfriend of 9 years as part of the important things you left….. in my heart I know he failed you, he pushed you, and he killed you just as sure as he put the pills in your mouth. Every January 4th, I call our dad. Funny he really isn’t either of our father, but yet he is the only real father either of us ever had. Married and divorced to my mom twice, poor man, and your aunts neighbor for years. He excepted you as my friend, then as my best friend, and he made us sisters. A blood bond couldn’t have been stronger. Our kids are growing up calling him papa. I guess there is some joy in that legacy, as it solidifies the bond we had. 

November 11, 91. I moved in with my moms newest husband and next door to your aunts house where you lived. Me, a tomboy, who knew nothing about make-up, or fashion. You, this short little blond girly girl, almost 2 years older then me and very grudgingly you became my friend. it took you almost 4 months to make me over, and after that….well…… I was your shadow. When you bite of more then you could chew, I had your back. Your amazon body guard, and sometimes reluctant partner in crime. You took me everywhere and changed the direction of my life. So when your aunt was losing her marriage, there was no way we were going to be separated. You moved in with us, and you became my sister. And Gawd help anyone who said otherwise. I can remember singing Garth brooks at the top of our lungs as we VCR recorded his free concert from Central Park. The guys that you set me up with in your boyfriends crew of buddys’ so I wouldn’t be a third wheel.

We Fought, and they were doseys, we let guys and drugs come between us more then once or twice. Marriages, you twice with me as the steadfast Maid of Honor each time. You moving all the way to Illinois for a few years nearly broke me in half. New friends, careers, life, that separated us before we even realized we had drifted away. Your first born, born 10 months before mine. Your second born only 2 months before mine. Deaths that we mourned together, be they your blood, or mine. They day my fathers ashes were delivered to me in a mason jar, with a beautiful antique wine bottle that my dad had brought home from Italy. And we got drunk and used a funnel and wooden spoon to put him in the bottle. Laughing at the absurdity, and then freaking when I put the spoon and funnel in the dishwasher. you swore to never eat at my house again. That didn’t last long though. In July of 05, when I hid from my doctor to avoid a hysterectomy due to cancerous lesions. You picked me up and took me in, and help my hand as we scheduled the surgery. 7-27-05, You were to emotional to see me off to surgery, but you were the first face I saw when I woke up, broken hearted because I wasn’t a whole person anymore. Or, when in October of the same year my step sister and husband tried to audition for Jerry Springer. WE beat all of Jays stereo components with hammers with him on speaker phone. Good times, the best.

We had 6 kids between us, your 2 boys, my 3 boys and our only girl. You saved my life, and I couldn’t save you. Now, that’s just not fair. We let drugs and 1 stupid man tear us apart in March of 06. Without you I had no direction. I stayed high for the next 3 years and some months. Lost my husband, my kids, my job, my car, my friends, my family………I was just floating until I met someone who gave me hope, and faith. Together, Lolo, Jeremy( my boyfriend ) and me, picked a day and on that day we quit METH. February 19, 2009. I’ve never looked back. Slowly I got my life together. Stable home, made good on my court fines, was proactive in my kids life, now I have a home, a car, a job, my kids, a divorce, and the best boyfriend ever. But still you couldn’t forgive me……….as family began to believe in me, I would run into at family events, good and bad. You were cordial, but distant… that hurt. But I knew it would take time, and I was willing to wait…years if necessary. In March of 2010 our kid brother married, and I decided it was time for me to let go of trying to fix us, I told you I was sorry, that I loved you, and missed you. I forced my hug on you and walked away. I felt like I had lifted a suffocating weight off my shoulders. Now, it was all you, the next move would be from you when you were ready. December 28, 2010 you showed up at the pizza place foe our brothers step daughters birthday…..I knew something was wrong, you didn’t stay, and you looked at me for a long time. I wonder if you were asking for help, and I failed to see it. 8 days later you were gone. I will never understand how you could think the world would be better without you, as you were the world to so many people. And I still miss you. 
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Today I contemplate silence

Someone I had never met before died a short time ago. I know that she raised a wonderful son. He is a good friend and someone who inspires others with his positive attitude and good nature.
So today I go to show support of my friend, and to pay my respects to a woman I didn’t know.
The loss of a parent is never easy, not when your young, not even when your old.
My father left this world when I was barely 30, just days before the birth of my daughter, his first grand daughter. He never even knew she was coming. So I wonder if we really do pass on to the next phase of our life, and continue to watch after our loved ones as they live on, waiting for them to join us.
Do I sometimes feel as though someone is with me, when I am all alone? At times perhaps.
I wonder if today she will be watching, hoping to see her son surrounded by friends and family to help him get through this difficult time.