Something from the past, revisited.

This is something I wrote in 2008, during a time I was finally coming to terms with the drug abuser I had become and what I let slip away. I still wasn’t ready to get clean, but for me this was the start of recognising what my choices had cost me.

The People We Never Forget……. To ………Remember?

Every single day I encounter individuals I have never seen or met before. Some of them exchange a few words with me, never anything more then just what thier brief stop in my life entails. Could be the mail man or a store clerk, whoever it is providing the personal service for whatever errands and stops I make that day. Forgotten as soon as I leave their presence.

I began to criticize myself lately about how I treat the people I come into contact with in a non attentive manner. Then I really began to sand bag my ass because I was feeling bad for treating strangers who provide customer service without much concern, but what about those who meant more to my life? The ones who factored in daily to my life, that I just let slip away because I had ” staying in touch ” issues. I mean, I know I have real issues with staying in touch. I am horrible about it. I lose phone numbers, or plain just get to lazy to return calls, and I give up on staying in contact with them.

Not because of them, or anything they may have done. But because of me, maybe I screwed up yet again and don’t want to admit it, or maybe I’m having issues dealing with a situation that they were involved in or wasn’t as secret as I thought. I get scared and just ditch out. And now here I sit biting my nails worried that they wont ever speak to me again because I was such an asshole.

So, I am writing this,something most if not all of you wont ever read. Its selfish to write an apology that I know wont ever be read by those that matter. The friends that I let go of because I’m a coward. But write it I will, and maybe it will set something free inside of me that will give me the courage to tell you all face to face what I can only get out secretly right now.

So, this is to you, all of you, the friends that I have let go of for my own ignorant reasons. I miss you. I am trying to grow up, please bear with me. Its not easy to admit negative qualities about myself to myself. I know I am wrong and I will try to find ways to get back in touch with you. I will have an ” I’m sorry ” and 1 free kick in the ass to any takers who want to give me my just rewards.

I hope that I am not the only one to think about the friends left behind and redeeming yourself to them. The ones that mattered are worth more then just remembering, they are worth the time you put into being a real friend.

So, that was 2008. In Feb. of 2009 I finally made the first step to being clean, and have made that step everyday since. I have patched up some worn bonds, and I had to let go of some that were to severed to save. The apology’s that I have given have not been in vain, even if forgiveness wasn’t there. I know inside that the losses that I earned will stay with me forever, reminding me to treat the people in my life as irreplaceable. Because they are.

Addiction doesn’t have to be forever, if it did recovery couldn’t be an option. And it is, an option, a choice you must make. When you make that choice everything you have done you have to face and deal with. It is hard, it is painful, it is real, and it gives you closure to a chapter of your life that you survived and are ready to move forward from. Accepting your responsibility and not allowing excuses to be made by you or for you is part of recovery. I know it sounds brutal, but if you even allow one excuse to be made, or blame to be placed on anyone but you for the choices you made, its going to open the door to addiction once again.

Be true to the person you want to be, the person others see inside you, someone you would want to look up to, and you will become exactly that.


Today I contemplate silence

Someone I had never met before died a short time ago. I know that she raised a wonderful son. He is a good friend and someone who inspires others with his positive attitude and good nature.
So today I go to show support of my friend, and to pay my respects to a woman I didn’t know.
The loss of a parent is never easy, not when your young, not even when your old.
My father left this world when I was barely 30, just days before the birth of my daughter, his first grand daughter. He never even knew she was coming. So I wonder if we really do pass on to the next phase of our life, and continue to watch after our loved ones as they live on, waiting for them to join us.
Do I sometimes feel as though someone is with me, when I am all alone? At times perhaps.
I wonder if today she will be watching, hoping to see her son surrounded by friends and family to help him get through this difficult time.