This is me, sitting down having no mental outline for a blog. Just my head and heart overflowing with ” stuff ” that I need to vent out. Maybe if I share my ” stuff ” it will help me sort throught it and get a grip on it. Whatever it is…
I have 4 children, thats 4 lives I brought into this world through no choice of thiers. Thats 4 little souls that count on me to be there for them. I am supposed to care for, nurture, teach, love, inspire, encourage, etc…… you see where I am headed with this, right? Ok, well I failed. Miserably, completly, and willfully failed my children. I dont even know why I did it, choose drugs over family, but I did. Not only did I let my grip on reality slide, but I took my husband down with me. I didnt even know the plane had crashed, until almost 4 years later. Thats how off the reservation I had gone. I lost my job, crashed my car, cheated on and was cheated on, lost my home, lost my family, and for just about 3 years after all that loss I was still thinking I really had no issue, it was everyone else with the problem.
Guess who really got stuck with the trauma of my choices…. Yes, your right..it was my children. They ended up seperated, my oldest with his paternal grandparents, the other 3 with thiers. My husband out of the big picture on his big adventure, and me on mine. But today, this ” stuff ” isnt about then, or rehashing history. Its about now, and the reprocussions of what happened then.
My theory on the past is this, yes I screwed up, yes I am sorry I hurt my children, family, and friends. Can I fix the past? No, but I can be all that I wasnt then, now. I also feel that moving forward is the only option, not making excuses, not being guilted, and not feeling sorry for yourself. Everyone has problems, you have to get over it. You learn to live with the things in your life. You have to learn what you accomplish inspite of things that might be used as enablers to quit or make excuses as to why you cant do things.
Three of my kids came through the damage and distruction, with minimal mental and emotional scars. Thats not to say they werent changed or traumatized by what they went through, but they were able to push past the negative and use the positive to move forward. My middle son, my Turtle Boy, was not so lucky. He was 3 when his life changed, he didnt come through it like his brothers and sister. He has been diagnosed not just with ADHD, which I feel can be treated with structer, routine, and guidance, not just medications, but also PTSD, Compulsive Aggression Disorder, and Impulsivity Control Disorder. All together it means he is hyper active, with severe anxiety, that can explode into uncontrolable fits of rage with no warning, and he rarely remembers what happens during an episode. This is his nightmare, and he is so undeserving of it. He is the most empathetic, loving, compassionate kid, and one small misstep in his minefield and he will lose all ability for rational thought and end up heartbroken for it later.
As a mom, I know my son can learn to work through all of the labels that have found their way infront of his name. As his mom, I know that I am responcible for helping to put those labels there. As his mommy, I am so lost as to what is the right way, or the wrong way to help him. This life of ours has become a maze of treatments, and ideas. Some help, for a while, others lead to dead ends, while some seem to just go on in one direction forever, never helping him, but keeping him on a level playing field.
I fixed me, I am in recovery and I have worked very hard to gain back the things that I could, find new and improved versions of the things that I had to replace, and take eachday as it comes. I am stable, as a person with an addiction, and anxiety can be. I use routine and structure, and the foundation for our daily lives. I have strong, positive relationships with the people that love and want only the best for my kids. I wish I could say the same for my ex husband. I cant. His life is still out of his control, and spiraling downward again. And this time I get to watch as my baby, declines at the same pace as his father. I dont know what I can do to help him, that I am not doing already. But I am failing him again.
His mind is frozen. He refuses to allow himself to feel any emotion, he will not allow his mind to expand and absorb new information. He is Angry All The Time.
I will not quit on him, I will not lose this war, even if some battles are lost. Tomorrow I will get up, I will hug my children, I will send them off to school, I will encourage them to grow, I am not powerless. I am a fighter, my children worth the fight, and will learn to fight for what they hold dear.
Though, today I feel beaten, Im not dead. I take a deep breath, hold my head up high, take another step forward. This is what I want my children to learn from me. That getting knocked down isnt what is important, it is something that will happen more then a few times in thier lives, its the getting up and standing tall, taking the next step forward, thats what really counts. Nothing can defeat you if you refuse to give up.
There, I think I have let out enough uncertainty, and given myself a good confidence reminder. Now, I am going to let my son know that he isnt supposed to expect to be a perfect person, he is perfect as the person he is.